Stranger Danger

We've all heard about the tummy rubbing phenomenon for those pregnant mommies-to-be who are already showing, and there are many tried and true methods for combating the overly touchy populace. My personal favorite is the reciprocal belly pat; they rub your belly, and when they stop you pat whatever paunch they have, and say "it's so cute!".

However, there are people who go somewhat above and beyond the norm of inappropriateness. Whether this be by ignorance, a generation gap, over-excitement, or even a facination with the process of pregnancy, it is almost always unsettling. My experience today fell under this very unsettling category. This is by far the strangest and most disturbing encounter that I've had my entire pregnancy, and probably makes the top five for my entire life.

I was grocery shopping with Dane and our friend Ryan at the local Food Lion, and there was some confusion at the front of the store as we were coming in. An ill-placed ketchup display was blocking traffic in and out of the store, and for a moment I was stuck against a register block while Dane tried to navigate our cart into the store.

I feel a tap on my shoulder, looking over I see a man who's on the far side of seventy staring at my stomach. He leans over and whispers something I can't quite make out in my ear, standing uncomfortably close. I have a mild problem with strangers touching me, so I start to inch away, mumbling "uh-huh, have a nice day, sir" as I make my way toward Dane and the cart.

Suddenly, he grabs me by the upper arm-hard- gestures toward his wife on the far side of the register and says louder "We're looking for one, what are you having?" pointing at my belly with his free hand, still gripping my arm. Confused, disturbed, and desperate for an escape, I tell him I'm having a girl and jerk my arm out of his grip, fleeing gracelessly in the form of a quick walk to the fresh fruit section.

Dane and Ryan caught up with me a moment later while I tried to casually hide behind the Mango display, Dane telling me I shouldn't over react to an overly friendly senior citizens. Of course, he'd been too far away to hear what was said, or see the old man grab my arm. When I explained the situation he suddenly understood my hasty retreat.

I still can't figure out if the old man was just a little bit off, not realizing that he was making me uncomfortable, if he was trying to make a joke, or if he was seriously looking for a baby (you never know, people are weird). I don't know how I avoided yelling for Dane, I wasn't exaggerating my problem with being touched by strangers, most especially when it is uninvited.

I rarely get this very specific 'stranger danger' vibe from people. While I dislike being touched by people I don't know, it's a widely known fact that I'll give anyone the time of day, or an hour long conversation, whichever works for them! But very occasionally I meet someone who just pushes all the wrong buttons. The tingly feeling at the back of my skull starts, and suddenly there is a rock in the pit of my stomach. The very clear message that I get from my nervous system is "BAD NEWS!!!" That's the feeling I got from this old man. I've never stuck around somebody who gave me this feeling long enough to find out if it's crazy or not, but something about this guy rubbed me the wrong way.

My advice for any woman in this situation is to trust your intuition. If someone makes you nervous, just avoid them, or exit the vicinity as quickly as you can, if for no other reason than to avoid causing yourself stress.

How To: Deal with Cryptic Ob/Gyns

Few women are gifted with doctors who are clear and concise when describing what can be expected during pregnancy, or even clearly illustrating what their concerns might be. Getting information about hospital policies and what services are offered can be like pulling teeth!

I've learned this firsthand at the mercy of my doctors office, while competent they aren't the best communicators. At my last prenatal visit my new OB was checking fundal height, (For those who do not know, fundal height is a measurment from the top of your pubic bone to the top of your uterus. This can be used to determine how far along you are in pregnancy.) which will be done at every prenatal visit, and he got a very perplexed look on his face. This is never a good sign.

He double checked my chart and his measurement and told me he wanted to schedule another ultrasound. Needless to say, this concerned me slightly, and I asked him if everything was alright. Was something wrong with my daughter? All he had time to say was "Your measuring small, and since you measured large at your 21 week ultrasound, we need to check to make sure your daughter is growing correctly".

This came as somewhat of a shock to me, could she somehow be growing incorrectly?!
At that moment a nurse came in and told Dr. Wills that he was needed down the hall. He turned and told me to set an appointment for the ultrasound within the next week, and also to set my regular OB appointment for exactly 2 weeks following that date. This was all I heard from them.
I set my appointments, and went home in a daze. Questions were flying through my head so fast it felt like I had a wasps nest between my ears.

How serious was this?
Could it just have been her lying in a funny position?
If there is something wrong, what is it?
What will we do if this is something serious?
Do I really have to wait a whole week to find out?

So, how do you deal with doctors who feel less than inclined to let you know what's going on behind the scenes? First, organize your thoughts. Going in thinking that you are going to get all the answers about their expectations of you and what you should be able to expect from then is all well and good, but if your anything like me the moment you sit down in that office every single question you have will go whizzing out of your head. Then you leave wondering what just happened, and none of your questions have been answered because you just sort of nodded dumbly through your whole appointment.

So- and I can't emphasize this enough- before every prenatal appointment, MAKE A LIST!!!
This will help you figure out what is most important to you, what is weighing on your mind, what will help you take better care of yourself now so you can have a healthier baby at the end of your pregnancy.

Secondly, DEMAND their time. They are busy people, these doctors have a lot on their plates, and they sometimes loose touch with the human aspect of their patients. Sure, they know where all the pieces are supposed to go, but they don't know how to relate to you on a personal level. They can't understand how scared you are, that this isn't something that is normal to you. Dr.'s deal with pregnancy on a daily basis, so your individual experience just doesn't seem that individual to them.

So, if you are having trouble getting your doctor to talk to you rather than at you, try bringing out your list, and maybe express to them your worries. Don't let them pass you off to someone else, make it clear that theirs is the opinion that you want. When confronted with a patient who actually brings the issue to the forefront of the conversation a doctor will more often than not realize that they are dealing with a real person with real feelings, not a name on a chart.

I would like to mention that there are exceptional OB's out there who really get to know their patients, have a good relationship with them, where there is a healthy back and forth. But this post is aimed at the patients of doctors who maybe have 'less than stellar' personal skills, but who are otherwise excellent physicians who will do everything in their power to ensure that you and your child emerge from your pregnancy healthy and prepared for the next 18 years together.

And that concludes today's entry. My second ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday, June 3rd, and I'll post if there is any news, good or bad. I haven't found any info on the net about what might be wrong, I just don't have enough information to go on. If anyone who reads has ever had a Dr. tell them something like that, if they wouldn't mind commenting with the result or emailing me @ cshallett@gmail.com, I would be eternally grateful!

Insensitive People and How to Cope

An anomaly that I hadn't previously been aware of; there is no apparent social stigma against people trying to lure a husband/boyfriend/fiance/significant other away from his/her pregnant counterpart.

In recent weeks I've noticed several instances of this: my fiance's manager at his delivery job asked him to go out to a club, saying that he could introduce him to some very hot women there. Dane, like the wonderful man he is, reminded his manager that he had a pregnant girlfriend at home waiting for him, and his manager looked at him like he was nuts. Dane did want to go out that night, but he called me and explained the situation first. I told him to go out and have fun, because he deserved some fun time for being so wonderful. His manager spent the night trying to get Dane to hook up with other people. It didn't work, but still, I was very insulted. Even if we weren't very much in love and happy together, you don't do that to a couple expecting a child. It's just rude.

Another instance occurred with me standing right there. We were at this same club (this time I decided to come too) two weeks later, and upon preparing to leave a woman starts very blatantly flirting with Dane. Needless to say, I was the only woman there who was pregnant, let alone 7 months pregnant, so I kind of stood out. This girl was pretty, and knew it. She sort of started inching closer and closer to Dane, until they were pretty much hip to hip, and then made a cutting comment about how he could have a much more satisfying private life if he would go with her. Then she made a very mean reference to the fact that she was quite thin, and I... well, I'm carrying a soccer ball under my shirt these days, I'm no twig. I was shocked, no one has made a disparaging remark about my weight in my life, and here I was with this woman calling me fat to my face while I was pregnant.

This is something I haven't quite mastered coping with, but in order to put it into perspective, I've chosen to think about it like this: they can't possibly have as much meaning in their lives as I have in mine while I prepare for the birth of my daughter, and this means they have no frame of reference for what I'm going though as a parent. It is sad for them that they have this lack of depth. The best thing to do is smile, possibly flip them the bird as you turn and walk away, then avoid further contact with that individual.